I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
