i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
