im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
