I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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