I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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