so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
