I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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