I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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