Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
