i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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