i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
someone owes me an orgasm
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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