You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
