I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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