Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
