dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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