Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
