I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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