I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
