Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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