I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
