allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
