also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
