I want you more than these girls want KFC
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
