when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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