I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
