I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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