Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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