I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
