At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am naked and annoyed.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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