dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
