i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
