Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
