God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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