I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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