Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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