so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
