Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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