JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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