Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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