WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
