I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman