I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
