Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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