plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
