Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
