i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
