Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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