Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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