last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bet he comes in French.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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