My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The best revenge is premature balding
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
