can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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