i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
