my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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