I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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