If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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