I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize